Drop it Like it's Hot

There’s a lot of talk about “coming out” at work but what about what “comes out” at work.  I’m talking about proper potty protocol in the workplace.  Just ask anyone, well anyone, who will discuss such things; having to drop the kids off at the pool, while at work can sometimes be a very frustrating adventure.
 
Let’s just all be honest.  No one is super jazzed to drop a load at work.  It is a very personal event; some couples don’t even do the deed when they are near each other.  Unfortunately for my lady, that is not the case in our house, but back to the workplace.  Most of us have a number one bathroom and a number two bathroom.  The number two bathroom is usually a single stall-er, tucked away someplace in the dark recess of a hall way or basement.  The number one bathroom is the one everyone uses, all the time.  But what do you do when you don’t have an option?  You plan, but even when you plan, things may go astray.  Just ask Sarah Bachman, things just didn't come out the way she hoped.
 
“I was just in the bathroom and someone didn’t light a match, so I lit the match and then when I walked out, the sales guys were waiting, so they thought I was the pooper!  I’m not the pooper!”  This is what my co worker, leaned in to tell me this morning.  I had to giggle, because we’ve all been there before; go in the bathroom, it smells like something dead has been rotting in the hot sun, for a few hundred years, so you hold your breath, do the deed and when you leave, someone is standing outside the door. Damn.  What to do?  You want to inform the person waiting that you were not the offender, but then you don’t because you don’t want them thinking, “Yeah, right.”  You know,  the whole “whoever dealt it smelled it” phenomenon.
 
The worst  is the multiple stall, multiple sinks and large mirrors.  This allows for people to stand in front of and do their hair, reevaluate hair lines and gossip about lovers, children and co workers.  This situation allows for “waiters” and waiters mean witnesses.  Now, no one wants an audience while sitting on the throne.  Well, no one that doesn’t have a B.M. fetish, that is.  So what is the best course of action?  You can bear the shame and just do it and walk out with your head held high.  You can wait until someone flushes and then bear down with all of your might or you can pray people use the hand dryer, a lot.
 
Bottom line, having to go to work sucks.  I know people who will hold it all day, to avoid a void at work.  Now this seems un reasonable and un healthy to me.  We all do it, so what's with the stigma?  I mean, just like, stalking your ex on Facebook, we all act like we don't do it.  Maybe one day we will be able to poop freely, without anxiety or fear of public shame, but until then, I suggest matches and a healthy sense of humor.